wish for it

I think most people are unnaturally afraid of Death. I’m not. I’m sure there was a time when I was afraid, but I haven’t been afraid of Death for a very long time and it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. I think my lack of fear associated with death is why I was able to make the choices I’ve made over the past year. Don’t get me wrong, I want to stay here. I know that now more than ever. For me, wanting to stay here was always the reoccurring question. Such is the nature of depression with a touch of suicidal thoughts.

I just always knew there was something more real after this life and I longed to be unplugged from this alternate reality. I guess I felt like universal truths wouldn’t be so hidden there as they are here and I would get tired of wading through the crap to find them. Now that I’ve stared my finite nature in the face on a few occasions I’m starting to recognize that my understanding of universal truths have come at the time they were meant for me to understand them through no real effort on my part. This is because the understanding came through a life circumstance I had to experience first. I can’t say definitively if it’ll be easier to understand some of these things after life since I don’t remember being there. But I truly believe something after this life exists and there’s beauty as well as answers there.

Death is something that is an inevitability of life. I just don’t see the point in fearing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I was going to die on more than one occasion while in the middle of experiencing car totaling wrecks that I shouldn’t have been able to walk away from. Every time I accepted that reality I became calm and was at peace. I don’t understand the fear of death now after experiencing this calm and peace right before death seemed to be approaching.

After being awarded more life for accepting a fate that ended up not being mine I could only conclude that the end of my life has never been for me to determine and there’s nothing I can do to prevent or cause its occurrence other than suicide (and even that isn’t a guarantee).┬áThis makes it easier to say no to doctor’s orders in a sense. I know my success or failure has nothing to do with me. My life is a gift, and for some reason I’ve been awarded multiple opportunities to keep living it after accepting the inevitable nature of death and even welcoming its embrace on some occasions.

fear of death

There’s nothing I can do to sway my Creators decision on when, where, or how I die and it’s not my place to try. All I can do is live while He wants me to and follow the footsteps he lays before me. When He wants me to leave here, I will. Until then, I’ll keep listening for His voice and following his commands.