Tag Archive: Health

The Illusion of Control

I had an interesting conversation with a lymphoma survivor the other day that made me want to write on the subject we had in common. He mentioned how absent someone important to him was at the time and how loved ones reactions weren’t at all what he expected.


I never heard mention of this unpleasant facet of being diagnosed in the beginning. I wish I was told I’d have to either coddle everyone else as they found a way to deal with accepting the diagnosis I was given or accept their absence as a sign that they were unable to deal with the reality that was happening to me. I would’ve been more willing to draw from my inner self for comfort instead of just being hurt, confused and angry that the people I cared about weren’t there for me how I thought they were supposed to be when I thought I needed them to be.


My sister told me something once that I’m recognizing as true more and more each time someone comes into my life that offers assistance. She said, “You can’t worry about why someone you think is supposed to be there for you isn’t. Whenever you really need someone to be there, that person will show up and help you and it doesn’t matter if they’re related to you or if you’ve only known them for a few days.”

Learning to accept this truth and truly live by it has been an unexpectedly hard thing to do. The drive to feel as if I have control is extremely strong. We’ve all been conditioned for so long to take control of our future, our career, our lives and everything else in it when letting go of this illusion of control is one of the most significant things you can do to gain what you really needed all along.

Some call it placing their faith in a higher power and in many ways that’s exactly what it is, but it’s also just learning to accept things as they truly are. When you start seeing things the way they are and stop working so hard (and often to no effect) to make them change something magical happens. Another better suited option presents itself or you’ll realize that whatever you were trying so hard at wasn’t necessary in your life anyway. In those instances you free yourself from unnecessary shackles or weights you yourself are responsible for. I don’t know about you, but I love it when my load becomes lighter and easier to bare seeing how I have plenty on my plate as it is.


So ask yourself, what’s got a hold on you and why? We all have situations we want to change in our lives that we may not have the ability to do anything directly about. Fortunately, we have control over our own perspective about these things and if you ask me that’s the only change we need to free ourselves from unnecessary burdens.




It’s obvious that I’ve been going through some ish for the past year but something that’s slowly starting to concern me is how many of my friends feel the urge to keep their struggles hidden from me out of concern. They tend to have the idea that their struggles are insignificant in comparison to mine and I’ve had to tell a friend on more than one occasion that I don’t believe my circumstances excuse me from being the compassionate human being that I can be.

It would be completely self absorbed and depressing if all I did was think about me, me, me all day and gave no thought to the people who care about and are caring for me. One of the things that I’m learning from this brush with mortality is that I want to be completely present with the people helping me along my path. I’m only getting this one life, I don’t know how long it’s going to last and I want to be the best person I can be for the rest of it.

To me this means to be there for the people that are there for me. We all have struggles, worries and pain in our life. My struggle shouldn’t overshadow anyone else’s and I really want people to feel comfortable sharing with me regardless of what I’m going through. If I’m a friend, let me be a friend while I’m here because if I die soon I’ll definitely NEVER get the chance which will be one huge regret of mine should I leave this place sooner than anyone expects.

My Truth

They’ve laid their ideas of being a warrior on me. The armor…the sword…the shield. They’ve glorified my efforts to regain health for this gift called life and called it a “battle” or a “fight” when I don’t think it is either at all.


I have been unable to connect with others with cancer because I didn’t follow the “tried and…true” path. I didn’t do chemo and I found a way to adhere to something that most people wouldn’t consider in their wildest dreams. I regularly question any doctor’s motives and seek research on my diagnosis concerning chemo’s success and role in recurrence. I’m unrelateable to people I have met who have dealt with or are dealing with cancer and I find them unrelateable to me.

I haven’t bought into the concept that I’m fighting some glorified battle that everyone who hasn’t had cancer in my circle tries to convince me I’m fighting. I find it interesting that so many people pretend to know what they are talking about and fail to really listen to what someone like me (who has first hand experience) knows about being diagnosed with what most consider a death sentence.

It’s out of good intention of course, but good intention does not have it’s desired effect in all cases. People worry about me getting depressed about my situation since I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past. That’s why they call it a fight. It sounds strong, maybe because it’s been reiterated so much. For me, it automatically draws a picture of scarf clad, bald so-called “winners” who braved their way through treatments and didn’t die from complications. Excuse me for not subscribing to that similarly depressing thought to keep me from being depressed. I actually haven’t had a bought with real depression the entire time I’ve been healing. On the contrary, I feel more alive now than I ever did!

No, for me this isn’t a fight. It’s not a battle. This is a period of time in my life that I have been given the strength to overcome only by the grace of My Father who is My Elohim that loves me. I wouldn’t be here without His strength that kept me disciplined when I know myself to have none.

This is my truth. I do not know yours. If you have been diagnosed and are being treated with chemo I think you are braver than I am. Your armor, shield and sword are not being taken away by my interpretation of this experience. Continue fighting your battle with all the gusto and strength you can muster and I pray Our Creator carries you through this obstacle course called cancer.

A part of the therapy that most people freak out about are the dreaded coffee enemas. But after doing these for as long as I’ve been doing it, you kinda get used to it. So it’s not that big of a deal.

Coffee Enema

I think of it as a required hour long break that I get 4 times a day. Yes, an hour but 4 times a day I have to be away from everyone and everything that may be bothering me. So I prefer to think of it as 4 hours of daily me time!

I’ve been using that time to watch TV now, but at first I tried singing. This helped with the cramps for a little bit, but I don’t know that many songs and I didn’t want to keep singing the same songs over and over again. I tried meditating…


but as it turns out, if I’m trying to clear my mind while my body is cramping up it just creates a situation for me to have lazer-like focus on the pain!

That was no bueno, so I started watching TV to help keep my mind off of the pain associated with cramps. Netflix to the rescue!

Again, you get used to all of this.  Even the periodic pain from the cramps I’ve become accustomed to dealing with. I just focus on the fact that I know that it’s going to be over quickly and use deep breathing techniques to help get through it. I figured that deep breathing exercises have helped many a woman in labor, so why not use it for cramps in the rectal region? Thank goodness it works!

Having Netflix on my phone and keeping it with me while I’m doing  coffee breaks, chopping veggies, juicing…whatever helps keep my mind entertained while my body is doing something else. I try to pay attention to how  close I have the phone to me in general. This is because in my research I’ve learned that keeping your phone at least 1 ft. away helps cut down on radiation emissions when the phone is sending and receiving signals.

I find it interesting that at 30 I look like I’m going through puberty. What I mean by this is I have pimples everywhere! My face, my chest, my back AND my arms. I only had them on my face the first time!

2013-05-01 11.47.48

As unfortunate a side effect as this detox symptom for Gerson is, this is a good sign that it’s working. Ok, so I don’t like looking like pizza face now but I know my body is expelling all of the unwanted and unnecessary toxins in it. I just hope I’m not mistaken as a kid for the entire duration of my recovery because of it. I’m already short, waif like and young looking. The pimples take it too far.

Contrary to popular female opinion, I’d rather not look like I’m in high school for the rest of my life. I’m not a teenager and this is not supposed to be a teenage experience. They are so foreign to me now. World’s away even and I’ve always been worried about not being taken seriously due to how I look. I’m thinking looking like one of my younger counterparts would make it that much easier for people to dismiss me all together. I just hope I’m wrong about that and wanted to point out a common healing reaction to treatment.

Another reaction is feeling EXTREMELY tired for no reason at all, which I encountered about a month back. It lasted for about 3 days and I had to drag ass to work through it (since I can’t eat if I’m not making food). I’ve struggled with depression for 15 years of my life and this reaction is very similar to having a horrible down swing of it. The kind where you just stare at the ceiling because you can’t will yourself to get out of bed. Luckily, my Mom, Sister and niece came by and really came through for me by helping me wash, chop and separate loads of vegetables to make things easier for me on those days. It’s interesting how little things like that can make you realize how much you love your family and how much they love you.

My beautiful Nana, Sister and Mother with me on Laela’s Wedding Day


And of course my gorgeous and talented niece Shasparay