When I see my mom I see a reflection of myself that I’m disappointed with. Don’t get me wrong there are many positive aspects to her and she’s a good person in general I just tend to see the stuff that irks the shyt out of me. We’re so much alike so I have these high expectations of how she should be. I feel like since we’re so much alike she should automatically “get” certain things and I get so upset when she doesn’t. This has been going on for years. I don’t know why I can’t just accept that she’s not how I think she is or maybe that she’s just not like me. Every indication is there that she is not like me my brain just doesn’t remember this when I get upset. It’s a very frustrating cycle. I’m literally driving myself crazy and now I know it. I just want her to be better. I want her to be the best possible her she can be so badly it hurts. But it only hurts when I get disappointed with her.

What do I get disappointed with her about? My mom routinely uses the excuse of being old or overweight to place limitations on herself which keep her in that same mindset. I see that it’s a negative mindset that isn’t helping her but I don’t know how to help her out of it. I’ll suggest she eat breakfast even if she’s not that hungry to avoid reaching for sugary treats when she gets hungry later but she doesn’t listen and goes for the sugar anyway making the excuse that it’s because she’s not in a routine yet. Or I’ll suggest we take a walk outside since that’s really all I can do and she’ll say yes but want to relax first…relaxing is sitting on the couch like we’ve been doing for a week. I love her so I keep trying but it hurts me when I see her put more effort into making an excuse or looking for someone else to accomplish something than doing what needs to be done. Case in point, I’m fresh off a week of chemo and she came over to help. I’m a very proud person and it’s hard for me to ask for help so she’s constantly telling me that I need to speak up when I need help. Meanwhile, a lot of times when I do ask for help I get a verbal response that I will be helped by her and as soon as my dad or anyone else is in the vicinity she’s asking them if they can help me with whatever I needed help with. It’s either that or she wants to relax first. Things I’ve asked for help with? Lighting a pilot light so I could cook my own breakfast and going to the store for supplies to rig things so I can accomplish things easier around the house with one hand. Oh, and un-clogging the bathroom drain.

She got mad that I woke her up at 9 o’clock in the morning to light the pilot light and said that that’s not the type of help that she wants to help me with because I should only ask for help in emergencies. She said she’d take me to the store for supplies but when my dad came downstairs she immediately pawned it off on him who also said he would take me and then neither one did. My mom would swear up and down it was because I had a doctors appointment at 4:30, but I asked at 10 o’clock in the morning. By 12 o’clock when I ask again she said she wanted to relax first. This is a day I decided I didn’t want to watch TV. She was playing a game on her phone. The drain was something that my dad said that he would do, mom bought the supplies. Draino has been sitting by the tub for the past 4 days even though I asked about it twice and again got responses that it would be done on both occasions. I know I’m supposed to have patience with people but shyt like this makes me feel like no one listens to me, takes me seriously, or wants to help me. and when I voice my concern about such things I’m told the world doesn’t revolve around me and I should stop being selfish. Am I missing something here because I’m really tired and frustrated with waiting on someone to wait on someone else to help me.

What frustrates me the most is that I know if I had the use of both my arms everything would have been accomplished in an hour or less because that’s the type of person that I am. One of the days after I got back and I was still weak I asked my mom to make eggs and toast for breakfast. She said she would then my dad came downstairs and she asked him to do it. It took my dad an hour to make me eggs and toast because he took that long to clean the kitchen first. I’m appreciative of the eggs and toast but if I we’re in the kitchen it would have taken me 10 minutes. I know this because I made my eggs and toast this morning with one hand and it still only took me 10 minutes. With the use of both of my arms cleaning the kitchen usually only took me 20. I know my dad doesn’t take an hour normally because I’ve seen him clean the kitchen faster on multiple occasions. This just leaves me wondering why my parents of all people are so lethargic about helping me. I’m really not getting it. I try to ask for as little as possible because I don’t want to be a burden but their actions/inaction/lethargy make me feel like that doesn’t matter because being alive and needing help is the inconvenience. I guess I should mention that my parents have been meaning to get divorced for the past few years but I honestly don’t think that should matter when it comes to being there for your family when they need you.

And you know after writing all this, I’m left with a nagging feeling that I’m the one being the asshole for having different expectations. After all, when you truly have no expectations you will always be pleasantly surprised by anything anyone does for you. I guess I need to work on lowering my expectations of the people in my family. It’s just so hard to do that when I know they’re capable of so much more.