Archive for November, 2013

wish for it

I think most people are unnaturally afraid of Death. I’m not. I’m sure there was a time when I was afraid, but I haven’t been afraid of Death for a very long time and it had nothing to do with my diagnosis. I think my lack of fear associated with death is why I was able to make the choices I’ve made over the past year. Don’t get me wrong, I want to stay here. I know that now more than ever. For me, wanting to stay here was always the reoccurring question. Such is the nature of depression with a touch of suicidal thoughts.

I just always knew there was something more real after this life and I longed to be unplugged from this alternate reality. I guess I felt like universal truths wouldn’t be so hidden there as they are here and I would get tired of wading through the crap to find them. Now that I’ve stared my finite nature in the face on a few occasions I’m starting to recognize that my understanding of universal truths have come at the time they were meant for me to understand them through no real effort on my part. This is because the understanding came through a life circumstance I had to experience first. I can’t say definitively if it’ll be easier to understand some of these things after life since I don’t remember being there. But I truly believe something after this life exists and there’s beauty as well as answers there.

Death is something that is an inevitability of life. I just don’t see the point in fearing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I was going to die on more than one occasion while in the middle of experiencing car totaling wrecks that I shouldn’t have been able to walk away from. Every time I accepted that reality I became calm and was at peace. I don’t understand the fear of death now after experiencing this calm and peace right before death seemed to be approaching.

After being awarded more life for accepting a fate that ended up not being mine I could only conclude that the end of my life has never been for me to determine and there’s nothing I can do to prevent or cause its occurrence other than suicide (and even that isn’t a guarantee).┬áThis makes it easier to say no to doctor’s orders in a sense. I know my success or failure has nothing to do with me. My life is a gift, and for some reason I’ve been awarded multiple opportunities to keep living it after accepting the inevitable nature of death and even welcoming its embrace on some occasions.

fear of death

There’s nothing I can do to sway my Creators decision on when, where, or how I die and it’s not my place to try. All I can do is live while He wants me to and follow the footsteps he lays before me. When He wants me to leave here, I will. Until then, I’ll keep listening for His voice and following his commands.




It’s obvious that I’ve been going through some ish for the past year but something that’s slowly starting to concern me is how many of my friends feel the urge to keep their struggles hidden from me out of concern. They tend to have the idea that their struggles are insignificant in comparison to mine and I’ve had to tell a friend on more than one occasion that I don’t believe my circumstances excuse me from being the compassionate human being that I can be.

It would be completely self absorbed and depressing if all I did was think about me, me, me all day and gave no thought to the people who care about and are caring for me. One of the things that I’m learning from this brush with mortality is that I want to be completely present with the people helping me along my path. I’m only getting this one life, I don’t know how long it’s going to last and I want to be the best person I can be for the rest of it.

To me this means to be there for the people that are there for me. We all have struggles, worries and pain in our life. My struggle shouldn’t overshadow anyone else’s and I really want people to feel comfortable sharing with me regardless of what I’m going through. If I’m a friend, let me be a friend while I’m here because if I die soon I’ll definitely NEVER get the chance which will be one huge regret of mine should I leave this place sooner than anyone expects.

True Strength

I had a conversation with my Dad recently where he told me emotional people are perceived as weak. True to my piscean nature, I’m an emotional person and it’s taken me my whole life to be comfortable in my own skin because of common misconceptions such as this. I’m fighting bone cancer with a natural diet. I am anything BUT weak. Yet because the world perceives emotionless, robotic presence as some arbitrary sign of strength and most people are uncomfortable with any authentic emotion besides anger, I’m expected to either change myself or believe that I am somehow weaker than anyone who doesn’t express themselves emotionally as readily as I do.

I think this very idea is ridiculous and claws at the definitive nature of what true strength is at its essence. We teach boys not to cry (this is unnecessary too, but deserves to be addressed somewhere else). So why have I encountered this expectation as a female all of my life? Why are females considered weaker just because most are unable to lift heavy weights on barbells and aren’t afraid to cry?

I truly do think of crying as a fearless act for me now. In spite of perception, and with intimate understanding of my very real strength I have no fear of crying if I feel like it. I’m entitled to have and express my emotions when and where I choose. Are some spaces more tactful than others? Of course, but any space that includes loved ones or friends should expect and welcome my tears instead of rejecting them out of their own misguided discomfort. I’ve been told I need to be less emotional because it makes someone else uncomfortable too many times to count. You can only try to change yourself so many times before you accept yourself and the fact that others need to take you as you are or leave you alone. If most people’s perception of true strength is being an emotionless, heavy lifting piece of equipment I think they may be missing out on a few aspects that create some of the beauty in humanity.

I am not strong because I don’t cry, or because I can lift heavy weights. I am strong because I’m able to deal with my life circumstances in a way that no one else in my life would’ve been able to if they were handed the same situation. If I’m strong in that way, can you imagine the strength that pumps through everyone else’s life story since everyone is so unique? There are a few definitions for strength in the dictionary. The one that I resonated with was this; the power to resist attack and having durability. What makes you strong?

Like any loving parent, our Father who is a loving omnipotent presence will support you where and when you need it without you knowing, without your acknowledgement and without hesitation because of the magnitude of love that there is for you.

Elohim has an exponential, unfathomable capacity to love us. We only get to experience a fraction of love’s energy through relationships we cultivate here in life. The greatest love here only might equate to a distant echo of the true love that is available from the Creator to his creation. We are all a part of that creation, every one of us and He loves us all.

Some may point out that there are some that do not please Him. Not being in favor of the Father is not the same as not being loved by Him. There is nothing and no one that is not loved by Elohim even the devil himself. Remember, Lucifer was the most favored at one point. He was called the Son of the Morning because of his beauty. His sin was letting the status of being most favored fuel the arrogant belief that he should be or was above our Father.

Our natural way is to destroy what we hate. Did Lucifer get destroyed? No, not at all! As a matter of fact, the complete opposite occurred. He was allowed to take followers and given a place to be God of since he wanted to be one. This is unconditional love. What greater love is there than the love of the Creator for His creation?

Elohim is the Father of all and loves all even as he is not pleased by all. A natural parent is not pleased by their child at all times yet they still love them. So it is with our Creator. We were created in His image and imitate His behavior on such a basic level so that His love can be understood and appreciated. No, there is no greater love than the unconditional love our Father has for us all.

They’ve laid their ideas of being a warrior on me. The armor…the sword…the shield. They’ve glorified my efforts to regain health for this gift called life and called it a “battle” or a “fight” when I don’t think it is either at all.


I have been unable to connect with others with cancer because I didn’t follow the “tried and…true” path. I didn’t do chemo and I found a way to adhere to something that most people wouldn’t consider in their wildest dreams. I regularly question any doctor’s motives and seek research on my diagnosis concerning chemo’s success and role in recurrence. I’m unrelateable to people I have met who have dealt with or are dealing with cancer and I find them unrelateable to me.

I haven’t bought into the concept that I’m fighting some glorified battle that everyone who hasn’t had cancer in my circle tries to convince me I’m fighting. I find it interesting that so many people pretend to know what they are talking about and fail to really listen to what someone like me (who has first hand experience) knows about being diagnosed with what most consider a death sentence.

It’s out of good intention of course, but good intention does not have it’s desired effect in all cases. People worry about me getting depressed about my situation since I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past. That’s why they call it a fight. It sounds strong, maybe because it’s been reiterated so much. For me, it automatically draws a picture of scarf clad, bald so-called “winners” who braved their way through treatments and didn’t die from complications. Excuse me for not subscribing to that similarly depressing thought to keep me from being depressed. I actually haven’t had a bought with real depression the entire time I’ve been healing. On the contrary, I feel more alive now than I ever did!

No, for me this isn’t a fight. It’s not a battle. This is a period of time in my life that I have been given the strength to overcome only by the grace of My Father who is My Elohim that loves me. I wouldn’t be here without His strength that kept me disciplined when I know myself to have none.

This is my truth. I do not know yours. If you have been diagnosed and are being treated with chemo I think you are braver than I am. Your armor, shield and sword are not being taken away by my interpretation of this experience. Continue fighting your battle with all the gusto and strength you can muster and I pray Our Creator carries you through this obstacle course called cancer.

Almost Spaghetti

Almost Spaghetti
spaghetti squash – 4
sauce – 2

1 spaghetti squash

2 tomatoes
1/2 potato
1/4 onion
2 garlic cloves
1/4 bell pepper
3oz hippocrates broth or filtered water

Pre heat oven to 375 F. Poke holes in spaghetti squash with a skewer all over. Bake for 1 hr.

combine tomato, onion, potato, bell pepper and garlic in a small saucepan with filtered water or leftover hippocrates broth. Simmer for 10 min.